yeah.
comments have been made.

so like how a friend asked me this question.

why are you a catholic?
and why are you not a whore?

but it doesn't matter now.

and i admit, that i'm a mental nympho.
because i think about sex.
like, most of the time.
and if you see me zoning out, i do think about sex.
and i have an imaginary friend.
and his name is Hayden.
i talk to my two bolsters.
one is my husband and the other is my boyfriend.
so?
you dont think about sex?
you dont talk to yourself?
you never had an imaginary friend in your life?
dont say never.
what about the time you played pretend?
i bet you just think about sex all the time and not say a single thing about it.
future rapists in the making.
cause you have too much pent up sexual frustrations needed to be let out.
she's an exceptional expressionist.
she lets it out and brings us joy.
so you all who condemn.
go ahead.

i'm not a whore because i dont sleep with every guy i know.
i'm catholic because i believe in God.
and i believe in karma.
which has been duly received.

i had loads to say earlier on.
and i really wanted to do a long entry.
but it seems that all's going out if the window.

i've made my mistakes.
and i know my faults.

but i'm not going to beg, simply because if i do and if you forgive me then.
you wouldn't be ready when you forgive.

people can say what kind of a friend i am.
go ahead.
it isn't the first time anyway.
i have friends who vouch for me.

he said: "so have you learnt your lesson now?"
indeed i have.

the holiday's that are coming soon are sure to help.

p.s.
you think i dont know who you are.
but you have no fucking place to make your comment.
you have to be a joke to think that i dont now who you are.
people are always opinionated.
i know that personally.
but you're making it oh so fucking obvious that its you.
you're in no place to make comments because you yourself are one.


i can do this.
i know i can.

pasti said that i'm a strong girl.
and i know i am.

i have to go for a wake tomorrow.
something that i'd rather escape than to face.
thats saying something considering that i want to escape many things right now.

Trying hard not to hear
But they talk so loud
Their piercing sounds fill my ears
Try to fill me with doubt
Yet I know that the goal
Is to keep me from falling

i know.
how some of you are pissed with me right now.

you can judge if you want.
like how its natural for you to defend her.
because she is the victim.
because its natural for em to be the bad guy.

like how we joked about this a few days ago.

i thought we had mental preparation for this.
but we didnt.
it was much less than we thought it would be.

i'm staring at her, thinking how this could happen.

and it never occurred to you all to put yourselves in my shoes.

my grandma just passed away.

i dont need all this shit right now.

finally, after many many weeks. i finally saw Farhan!
i finally saw that short little thing!
i guess we all missed him more than we thought we would.

so poster presentation was fine.
at least mine was.
it was the after school that was fun.
because we all had a funt ime disturbing those who were going to do the presentation.
and besides, we were having a blu tack war.
so much fun that sherilyn accidentally hit a faci with blu tack.
embarrassing much?
the trip hime was good.
especially when we were going home with Chong Yang.
i spelt his name correctly this time.
proud?

anyway.
someone just had to piss me off.
well.
go ahead and think that you're so high and mighty.
go ahead and think that you're better than me.
getting pissy over such a little comment.
i mock you.
i seriously do.

i dont know if things are getting better.

so this is how it goes down.
and i'm perfectly innocent.
i swear!
nesha.
this is my proof.

anyway.
the first one was about donuts.
and i have no idea why we were talking about that.
maybe it was the whole kang kang thing.
so this is how it goes down.




and then he decided to be deep.



i think you need to click on the image to see it.
anyway.

this is the important part of the conversation.
the whole nesha is a nympho thing.







so this is where i panicked.
and i almost cried.
go figure.


if you dont know what you want from me.
stay away until you do.
i do not need a repeat.
but i still love you.

i swear.
cute doesnt suit me, it isnt me.
and trust me.
the hair isnt going to stay like this either.

my poster is finally done.
and thank god for that.

anyway.
this wasnt what i wanted to talk about.

faith.
it seems that i lost it.
or it just feel like i feel a need to proclaim it.
maybe its just a phase.
but i feel that church is overrated.
forgive me if you feel offended by the comment.
but let me make my point.

i dont feel a need to tell everyone that i'm strong in my faith just because i go to church.
i dont need people telling me that my faith isnt strong, just because i do not go to church.
who are you to tell me where my faith lies?
so you're telling me that everyone who does go to church has a stronger faith than i do?
stronger in the sense that they dress however they like and enter church?
with no respect or whatsoever?
that they take christianity as a trend?
i rest my case.

and stop complaining that i havent updated my links.
i'm just really lazy alright?
so a certain someone can stop complaining.

i got my fix of sarcastic humor from Jason this morning.
and now i'm a happy girl.

off to lunch!

if you dont know whether you love me or not.
then whats the point of telling me that you do in the first place?

so that my heart will break for you?

just tell me who am i to you and i'll work from there.
you say you love me.
but sweetheart, your actions say otherwise.

so i had the weirdest dream ever.
about tom.
now sheryl and smily, before you start screaming and saying how the blind date worked.
it didn't.

it was just a really wierd dream.
CS and Sherilyn and Imah.
and for defending me.
but as the whole thing with nick.
i'll just let it pass.
not everyone knows their limits.
me included.
so i'll just let it pass.
and CS. the whole two lines thing? so not funny.

i need to oo to the gym.
like seriously need to go to one.
to lose all the fats that i have and to look good.
i look good to feel good okay?

maybe thats why i feel like shit nowadays.
becuase i look like shit.
i think sherilyn and nesha havent seen my bangs.
maybe imah too.

dance class please!
hip hop, jazz?
or maybe for Shakthee, salsa or tango.
haha.
so long as i get to dance, i dont mind.
not one bit.

believe me when i say that i'll give you everything.

i'm about to enroll into a dance class.
and hopefully that my girlfriends can join me. ((:

today was a good day.
having lunch with a good friend of mine.
and taking his bike to Labrador Park.
took a hike and found many interesting things.
now we've found a good place.
and he found my sensitive spot.
aww shucks!

anyway.
nick has finally crossed the line.
and i dont want to know how to handle this.
i fucking hate this.


it seems that we have nothing in common at all.
but one thing is for sure,
i love him.

my post of the day.
because sherilyn kept bugging me to do it.

she tagged me to do this by the way.

Answer the following questions.

The person who tagged you is ?
SHERILYN

Your relationship with him is ?
WE HAVE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL RELATIONSHIP IN THE WHOLE OF REPUBLIC POLYTECHNIC.

Your impression of him?
SILENT AND THINKS TOO MUCH.

The most memorable thing he has done for you ?
SHE FREAKING KISSED ME IN THE MIDDLE OF CAUSEWAY POINT.

If he becomes your lover, you will ?
SHE ALREADY IS.

If he becomes your lover, things he have to improve ?
NOTHING. I LOVE HER FOR WHO SHE IS.

If he becomes your enemy, you will... ?
KILL MYSELF.

If he becomes your enemy the reason?
WE BROKE UP?

Your overall impression of him ?
UNAWARE AT TIMES.
SOFT.
AMAZING HUGS.

How do you think people around you will think about that person?
DEEP THINKER.
someone thinks she's beautiful. like very beautiful.

The character you love yourself are ?
EXTREME.

On the contrary, the character you hate yourself ?
TOO EXTREME SOMETIMES.

The most ideal person you want to be is ?
TYRA BANKS.

For people that care & likes you, say something to them ?
THANKS FOR LIFE AND LOVE.

Pass this quiz to 10 people that you wish to know how they feel.

1. SHERILYN.
2. lexine.
3. audrey,
4. sheryl.
5. nesha.
6. imah.
7. hafiz.
8. KAIRA.
9. AND I DONT
10. KNOW WHO ELSE.



hello love.
you made me happy today.

it just makes me bury my head in my hands.
and cry.

well see what happens a day from now.

EDIT;
its like blood and chocolate.
so addictive.

its poetry to my ear, but i'm just waiting for you to say it.

i want to write an open letter to you.
and pour my heart out to you.

if you had one hundred percent.
who would you give it to?

I SWEAR.
WITH EVERY MESSAGE NOT REPLIED.
OR EVERYSIMGLE TIME I HAVE TO MESSAGE YOU FIRST.
YOU HAVE TO PAY ME TEN BUCKS!

alrightbaby?

lets just make this solemn.
because this will be an entry about Pet.

i guess many of you dont know how much she means to me.
then lets just start from the beginning.

i met her when i was 15.
i never believed in love at first sight until i met her.
and maybe because we both sucked at chinese, thats why we actually had a chance to know each other.
she was my first and my last. so far.
she taught me how to love and to hate to the extreme.
because she said that that was the way you truly lived life.
because you used everything you had to feel.
we swam on the beach at night.
we got drunk until we dont know who each other was.
we skinny dipped in someone's pool.
yeah, we lived life.
life that lasted for six months.
i didnt want it to stop because it was so addictive. to live life like this.
we met Claire not long after that.
she was like me.
but louder and sharper and she didn't care about consequences.
they fell in love and i had to let go.
because i clearly do not believe in threesomes.
and i slowly broke away.
but still remained friends.
because i still loved her with all my heart.
and it ate me away until i met someone else.
but i still loved her.
i dont know what happened but somehow things went wrong and she turned to drugs.
i couldn't control her and neither could Claire.
no one had any idea how we went through those days.
i cried myself to sleep every night because i couldn't help myself.
Pet finally got herself into rehab.
i visited her whenever i could.
and then she died and left me.
it just wouldnt set in.
i didnt understand how she could have been so irresponsible as to let me be like this.
but i did.
until now.
i've always kept her poem books because Claire hates them and i love them.
it always reminded me how Pet could tell me what i wanted to hear.
it reminded me how i simply fell in love with her all over again with just those simple words.
now i got her diary.
and it just tore me apart.
maybe thats why i was talking to kaira on friday and simply started crying.
kaira was someone who reminded me of her.
so was mummy jo.
i read those entries, i get butterflies in my stomach and i dont know why.
i finally know why she went astray.
because she couldn't decide and it ate her up.
and she needed to get away.
no words can say how much i still love her.
if i could.
i wouldnt have stepped back.
then i wouldnt care about what people think of a three way relationship.
i want her back in my life.
i really do, but i couldnt turn back time.
i couldnt tell her how much i loved her before she left.
i couldnt tell her that i will stay strong for her.
i almost couldnt live life.

somehow i forgot what life with her was like.
until i read her poem books.
and i tell myself that she wrote them for me.
her litttle love confessions for me.
how she used to love me.
she can't love me now cause she's dead.
acceptance is the key i guess.

but Pet, if you're around and hearing all of this.

i love you.

you make me angry.
you make me cry.
you make me happy
you make me nervous.

i dont know.
it feels like love all over again.

now i'm just sitting by the phone.
waiting for you to reply.
before i blow my brains out.

i really dont know.
do i really love you?

it is true you know?
that sherilyn and i have the most beautiful lesbian relationship in the whole of RP.
and YC and i have the most beautiful lesbian relationship in the history of COFFEEBEAN.

and girls?
I WENT HOME WITH CHING YANG!

make me happy for awhile and not ask me why.

miss bimbo makes me want to cry.
because i jsut spent three hundred bucks to break up with my boyfriend.
hoping that i'll find a better boyfriend.
but somehow.
i got back the same one who gives me so little money.
how am i going to go to the next level now?
well. I CAN'T!

i'm seeing him almost every morning now.
maybe its because of how the trains seem to arrive together.
not that i'm complaining though.

can someone define love?

when i was about to call out his name, the name from a certain past came up.
something that i dont want.
not after what i promised myself.

i've got a test later.
and i havent studied anything about it.
i'm going to fail!

i never know that there are good looking butches in RP.
but somehow i'm wrong.
and its not part of kaira's stereotype.
she's not the part where it includes fat and ugly.

and they ask me why i'm so bi.
can't i?

i'm craving for bagels the whole week.
and i still dont have it.
fuck.
BAGELS.
BAGELS.
BAGELS!

it was going fine until someone had to ask something to spoil everything.
thanks for nothing.

i need chocolates.

sending a three page long message during class.
is definitely going to affect my grades.

but his reaction.
is totally unexpected.
i thought i would get more of a reaction.
but i guess not.

its just not getting any better.

is it so difficult for someone to get it in their head?
i dont know.
maybe for only some people.

the act cute act is getting old.
and irritating.

today is a bad start to a supposedly good day.
i went to school.
hoping that i'll skip it.
school is not like how i wanted it today.

i was totally thinking of bagels and coffee and enjoying my breakfast.
and not coming for class at all.
but here i am.
maybe because pay hasnt come in yet.
or maybe it was in and someone took all the money out.
and it can't be the comics i purchased.
they can't be more than a hundred bucks.
by right they should be about 77 plus plus.
i should go check it out again i guess.

maybe i'm just being paranoid.
but i dont want my pay to go down the drain eh?

my head hurts.
its not a hangover.
so i dont know why it hurts.

nesha said that i look like a homo.

doyouknowhowitfeelstolovetwopeoplwatonce?
becauseithurts.

i wanna go to places.
and take the pictures that i love taking so much.
since blogger is so damn slow.
and i can't be bothered with making an account.
maybe if i have the kind of internet speed i need and the time, i'll do it all.

i wanna take more pictures at CHIJMES.
i wanna take more pictures at RAFFLES HOTEL.
i wanna take more pictures at RANDOM PLACES.
i wanna take more pictures of JASON, just to prove that he can take nice pictures that are not emo or gay.

but i need a camera first.

jealousy and paranoia is a part of a relationship.
but its being close to someone and having someone there that i miss the most.

since that fateful day, i've been scared.

do you know how it feels to be used?
to know that this happening to you and you allow it to happen because you loved him?
to have someone whom you thought that will be there forever but it was never true.
do you know how it feels like, not to be able to let go?
do you know how it feels like to live in fear that all relationships will be exactly the same?
that you've been hurt and to hurt so many times because of this fear?
you simply dont.

its just so many heat to heart talks with a few people these past few days.
jason told me that fate happens. coming only when you dont expect it.
my fat friend telling me that i'll heal.
me telling myself i'll be stronger.

i hope so.

enough of emo stuff.

i'm happy with the new wallet.
i'm happy with new movies in my lappy, and school has started.
i should be happy.

and new comics too!

tbirthday passed so quickly.

balcony was a blast although it was a little expensive and i got a little tipsy.
no thanks to samantha and sheryl and smily though.

getting a little emotional helps no one.
especially me.
when tears keep coming and i can't seem to stop.

its fate i guess.

you're still my biggest mistake.

i love the wallet bestfriend got for me!
really really love it!

dinner with crabs and family was good.

now, i'm just waiting for tomorrow!
balcony with sam.

lets keep blowing candles.

jason told me to blow a snail because he didn't have a cake emoticon.
which made me laugh out loud.

i has so many surprises last night.
first was when rick came.
and she gave me my favourite drink, i really wasnt expecting it because we weren't really talking.
then i had a 5 dollar cake. from work.
then i got pissed off by some monkeys who told me to check expiry dates. and when i opened the fridge, a huge cake was there.
and then a whipped cream fight.

supper was good.

today is going to be good.

its was like a heart to heart talk that made me realise some things are meant to be.

when i see you smile.
tears roll down my face.

i guess that this is why.
every year.
i'd wake up with puffy eyes.

and tell myself happy birthday.

its because no one is willing to make the first move.
thats why its going no where.
we're stuck.
with no where left to go.

and i thought this was friendship.

too many people arent able to come tomorrow.

whats the point eh?

so much for a class outing.

my heart just broke.

fuck this.

with talks about biting and breasts and got me smiling to myself.
i dont know why.
who knows? i'm into something here.

anyway.
i guess i've found it.

friends with benefits anyone?

i've lost a friend.
yes i have.
the one i cried for when she fainted.
the one who i tried to stand up for countless times.
the one who i picked up the phone at two am for in the middle of the night just because she was crying.
the one who i would go out with at anytime simply because she's who she is.
the one i spent the last few year in school with.
yes, i've lost jasper.
she's nowhere to be found.
i've lost her number.
when i've tried and tried.
she left.
i miss you jasper.

and lexine.
all's not lost.
not yet anyway.

he asked me why does it hurt when girls skip.
isn't it bloody obvious?

the inability to watch the show that i want to watch gets me in a really pissy mood.

jason gave me a really dumb blog add.
and then he said that i'll really like this.

it seems not.

about to leave the house when i got a call to meet him.
sorry girls.